Letter written to my mother 2 1/2 years after Eric hung himself
When I write, I’m better able to speak my heart, without the distractions of how you may take something. Just know as you read this, you are loved and respected and cherished. And sometimes everyone, even you, needs someone to help take care of them.
I imagine you might cry when you read this. I know you don’t like to cry in public, or even in front of me, so I’ve left this here for you; where you can read and hear what I have to say in the comfort of your home. I’m sure you have spent many moments crying for Eric, or wishing you could allow yourself to do so. I don’t wish to make you cry Mama, but I hope you will allow yourself to feel while you read these words, and hear how I really feel.
I’M NOT TRYING TO MAKE WAR WITH YOU ON THIS, MAMA. I simply have become determined to be honest with you. I believe deeply in what I believe, as do you. I owe it to you and Eric and myself to be honest about what I believe and how I feel. So, here it is….
Eric attempted suicide, and you’ve mentioned before that your decision making is affected by that fact. You’re worried God won’t, or shall I say, hasn’t already forgiven him? Have you forgiven Eric Mama? I have, because if it was the disease that caused Eric’s hanging, then Eric is blameless. On the other hand, if Eric was aware of what he was doing, in even the slightest way, I can forgive him for that too. I know that depth of emotional breakdown.
I honestly believe either way, God has already forgiven him.
You and I both know medical equipment, nor medical professionals, have kept Eric alive; God has! You and I also know in some form of spirit, Eric is still with us; his flesh is weak and broken, even his brain, yet, there his spirit lies, waiting, patiently. We both also know if we take all of the medical equipment and/or drugs away from him, it is likely Eric will die, soon thereafter.
Yes, I’m certain he will struggle physically as his body realizes it cannot function on its own. Eric is too weak to fight Mama, so he has to accept it, and so do we. God has allowed Eric an opportunity Mama. He has given Eric time, through your decisions, to be forgiven for rejecting his gift of life (if he was aware of what he was doing; if not, again, he is blameless). He has struggled tremendously these pas 4 1/2 years. Maybe the past 2 1/2 years has been God’s chastisement for attempting suicide (if that was the case).
Either way, we have been faced with the fear of death for the past 2 1/2 years. For the physical part of us Mama, death is awful anyway you look at it. The part of us that is physical, flesh, realizes it can longer function on its own, and it panics-which brings the physical struggle. Even people who are ‘killed instantly’, are not. We are told this for our own comfort. But the body doesn’t stop abruptly, the whole system, if you will, has to shut down. There is always the physical pain, as the body tries with what energy it has, to keep doing the only thing it knows how to do.
Eric has little energy left in his physical self. Consequently, we both know we are trying to fight for him with all the equipment and medications. What are we fighting for him for Mama?
We want Eric to get better; we know only a miracle from God will make that happen. God already knows whether He has a miracle in store for us, or not. We’ve got to trust Him Mama. Not trust He will give us our miracle if we wait long enough, but trust He will allow what is best for all of us.
Eric’s body has suffered enough Mama. These machines and medications are doing as much harm as good, maybe more. When are we going to say enough is enough? *I know in your opinion the comfort measures they will eventually have to use, is borderline murder, but please consider this before you resign yourself. If you had a terminal disorder or disease, and your prognosis was severely grim, would you want to suffer pain or discomfort every day of the very few you had left? Or would you opt to take pain medication or whatever else might would relieve some symptoms so you could die in peace? If you found out you had last stages of cancer, would you accept chemo or radiation knowing it would make your last days sick? Or would you refuse and accept something to relieve symptoms so you could die in peace?
Mama, if Eric could talk, he would ask us to take it all away and let him go in peace. He is not struggling to live Mama, he is struggling to die, and we are making it harder on him. And all the while, his spirit awaits to be set free, trapped until the last breath passes through that body.
Let’s forget the legalities and the politics, all trivial details distracting us from dealing with the emotional and spiritual facets of this situation.
You are a doer Mama, there has never been a doubt. And all that doing allows you to shut down emotionally and spiritually. Then there are those of us who are the other extreme of the scale, we think and feel ourselves out of ever doing anything.
Mama, it is time for us to meet in the middle. We together have to do what is right for Eric, which may likely involve us experiencing the pain of loss. We can not sit back and let the medical profession do what they will or can. We have to stand up for Eric, shoo away all the parasites making a living off of him, each grab him the hand, and let him die in peace and love and forgiveness.
I know you’re worried about his struggle to death, but at least we will know he did not die alone, hanging from a tree, but with those who love him by his side. Yes it might take time. No matter what, it will take time
You may be thinking I will abandon you and Eric, as I’m sure you’ve felt for the past 2 1/2 years. My only justification is I don’t agree with the measures being taken to keep Eric alive and I can’t or won’t make myself feed into it or accept it as right.
Rest assured though Mama, I nor anyone else has abandoned you or Eric. For the past 4 1/2 years I have asked what my purpose was in this situation. For the past 2 1/2 years I have shown the answer.
No mother should have to or wants to make these decisions, especially not alone. But you do have to make some decisions Mama, and I and everyone else in Eric’s family are right here with you. Eric’s death is going to be hard, whether you deal with it now or 10 years later. But we will have to get through it, together. We all have to, because we have other people who need us.
Let’s really give this to God Mama. Not to try His hand or make Him give us what we want now, but to completely trust Him alone, and be at rest with whatever His will is.