I am at a loss for words… a loss for inspiration…. a loss for motivation.
This dull, incessant throbbing in my skull, this constant distraction from which I can’t seem to escape is surely evidence of something brilliant that must be written, and not a hangover from the night’s drink, but no matter how many times I open an empty page and write, then delete, then close yet another empty page, there is no release, no relief.
I started this ‘blog’, for lack of a better word, with great anticipation, wrapped up in a tangled ball of excitement and dread, months ago. After pouring words onto screen for days, analyzing and dissecting every paragraph, I experienced a euphoric rush of satisfaction when I finally hit the ‘Publish’ tab; I leaned back smugly, crossed my arms and took a break from the writing, only to obsessively watch the stats of ‘My Site’.
My people pleasing nature, craving a pat on the back, was underwhelmed, to say the least, with the meager response.
To escape the reality of my disappointment, the mounds of first drafts were tucked away in the spare bedroom, where they have remained, untouched.
I wish I could say that life got busy and I haven’t had the time, but I would be lying; the countless hours spent mindlessly playing Candy Crush and Pet Rescue, in addition to the days spent trolling Facebook are evidence of that admission.
The truth is, I’ve been sulking. The truth is, I had an unrealistic expectation of a grandiose response to this blogging business. The truth is, I’m still figuring out what my intentions are for publicizing this blog at all and fearing the possible outcome of some folks finding it.
With that being said, I am back to the task at hand, because this damned throbbing in my skull will not go away! I am finding it difficult however, to regain or recapture the momentum I felt when I first started. I could easily retrieve the mound of first drafts from the spare bedroom, but the majority of content in that pile is…..depressing quite frankly. I would say that it should be saved for a rainy day, if not for the thunder and lightning and torrential downpour outside my window.
I think I’ll take two pats today, thank you.